You never know

The Gloves are OFF!!!

aeternusanya — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:57:27 +0000

i am back to my old self, just better. i will not go back on my word about not committing anymore attrocities that will result is shitty karma, but it does not mean i will not enjoy myself. as far as i see it, as long as i do not wrong anyone or hurt anyone, it is cool. there will always be people hurt unintentionally by our actions such as not agreeing with their view point or what not, but that we cannot help.

a lot has happened in the past two months but the biggest thing is: I FOUND ME. about time right, being at this age. better late than never i guess. this is the happiest i have ever been and this is the most comfortable i have ever been with me, myself and i (where are you de la soul). funny enough i figure out what was missing during a movie that i was watching. a thought literally just exploded and cleared up so many things. the sleeping lion has finally awoken. ever since then, my plans for my life have been pretty crystal clear and the colors of the world are now fully there. i cannot even explain fully how i see things so different now, from points of views i have never even considered or never would have before.

the colors of my life were muted before. at one point in my life, they were starting to evolve, but that was cut short due to my choices and due to people, or more like someone. do not get me wrong, moobs taught me lessons, but he also imposed a lot of things on me unfairly. he is not a shitty person, he was just a shitty bf. the overall lesson and realization here is that i cannot be contained, tamed, shut down or any other euphemism you would like to apply. no matter how big you build the dam, how much tape you put on that leaky pipe, water will find a way to gush out and escape and that is me. i cannot be suppressed. i should have learned this from before with, i will call him mike tyson, but i did not. i am just one of those people that do not like being confined.

do not get me wrong, i do not see relationships as confining or being chained, it is just that the people who i have been with like to put me into “neat, little boxes”, maybe coz i am easier to handle that way but i can’t be like that forever. i try to appease them by making compromises or lessening or stepping down a level or what not, but at the end, i am who i am. i cannot fault any of them either since i never FULLY showed all of me, just pieces i thought they would like. it is still me, just not all of me. this time, i have realized that it is the whole package or nothing. no more lurking in the shadows.

i recently came upon an old poem i wrote called creature and how it stays in the shadows lurking, that was me. i cannot stay detached any longer. if i want to get the best out of this world and the best out of this existence, i need to stop being just an observer and hovering over life, i need to start fully JOINING in. if i want to start feeling human, i must become one. my search for “earth” has come to an end, i am my “earth”.

MeShell NdegeOcello “Earth”

let me be the rain
you thirst for
let me be the sun
that you adore
and let my sweet, sweet ocean
caress your shore
let your heart
search no more
you’re my earth

mmm

paradise
i say you’re my earth
my earth, my my
you’re my earth
you’re my earth
sweet paradise
i say you’re my earth

there’s no place i’d rather be
your beauty is surrounding me
for your tears black orchids bloom
orchids bloom
my soul is fed by you
fed by you
the wanting with birth, then death
it’s back to dirt
home, to you

you’re my earth
in paradise
i say you’re my earth
my earth, my my
you’re my earth
you’re my earth
sweet, sweet paradise
i say you’re my earth
sweet, sweet
mmm
sweet, sweet paradise

i searched for you all over the world
yes, search
searched for you
all my life
i’ve searched,
searched for you
searched for you all my life
life

mmm
yeah
oh i
mmm
i’ve searched,
searched for you
searched for you all my life
i’ve searched,
searched for you
searched for you all my life
oh i

listen to my heart speak
bathe in the warmth of the morning sun
morning sun, morning sun
i wait for you
i wait for you

hmm

bathe in the warmth of the morning sun
morning sun, morning sun
my earth
bathe in the warmth of the morning sun
i wait for you, i wait for you

bathe in the warmth of the morning sun
i wait for you, i wait for you
bathe in the warmth of the morning sun
i wait for you, i wait for you.

new year 2010

aeternusanya — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 01:29:09 +0000

Lord, forgive me for the evil that I have done in my life. I cannot say that I did not know any better because I did. I cannot say I was forced, manipulated, or contrived, I am the ring leader of my own fate. I was different person then. I committed sins that I know I will never receive forgiveness for from people but all that matters now is that you forgive me. I do not blame my youth, my environment, my parents, I just blame myself. I may still possess faults but over all, I am a different person now. I understand the consequences of my past life and can only rectify what I am able to, but I can only fully accept the responsibility of all my actions. I will not lie or try to justify my actions to some “mental” issues, childhood issues, chemical alterations or any such thing or other maladies. I acted with malice, hate, fully premiditated intent that originated from my dark, souless being. I was void of any feelings, emotions, empathy. It stemmed from a being that I choose to no longer be or associate with in any matter.

God, please pardon and release me from my previous life. I have done all that I can to rectify the wrongs and have paid ten fold for what I could not. I have been living a good life for almost 10 years now, how much longer or how much more are my dues? Amidst all this turmoil, I admit good moments have occurred, although they are fleeting. I keep hope alive that some day, I truly will be forgiven and that my penetance is enough. I know that from everything that I did, I probably don’t deserve to ask for anything but I do not ask for a lot. I just want to use my powers for good now. I fully understand now that with the gifts that you have bestowed upon me come responsibilities that most people will never fully comprehend. I fully accept the good and the burden for these gifts and can only say that I will do what is best. Please give me the chance to do good and to let me have a family…

Project Clean Out

aeternusanya — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:44:52 +0000

So there are only 2 days left to the year and my list is dwindling down, except for one exception, HIM. My previous history with these things, I pretty much leave no traces of myself or anyone, I completely walk away. I pretty much just finish the chapter, don’t look back (even though in my heart and mind remnants are still present) and just walk away. Several people have told me to leave it open, “you never know”, wtf, they sound like me, that is my line. When it comes to these things though, I don’t have much luck. I don’t exactly lead the fairy tale life nor even remotely the decent, “normal” life like others. My life is strange, it has its most amazing, awe inspiring moments, but it also has its down in the ditch with a 12 inch blade in my back, shit covered, spit on moments. Yes graphic, but that is exactly what it feels like, but worse. I cannot even begin to articulate how bad it can be or has been. Let’s just say that I would not wish my past on even the most hated person coz it is just down right inhumane.

Enough on HIM, LL got on my fucking nerves last week. So he has some of my belongings in his trunk that I asked him to get since I was gonna see him anyways. It was late that night and we all went out and were tired so I told him that I would just get it from him next time, it was like 2:30 in the morning or something. I talk to him beginning of last week and ask if I could either meet him or have him drop off the stuff. I had his xmas gift too, along with some others gifts. He gives me attitude and says some shit like, “this is the last time I’m doing this…” BITCH, WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME! I mean seriously, I have only asked him once, ONCE, and he acts like that. After all the shit I helped you with and never asked anything for, YOU UNGRATEFUL MOTHERFUCKER! It’s not even the short sland MUTHA FUCKA, he pissed me off so much that it is M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. So I dropped off the box I had for him at the office and told Chloe all about what happened. LL called me and I told him that he seemed bothered by me asking him this ONE favor so just leave my shit at the office, I don’t want to inconvenience you any further ASSHOLE. He was puzzeled and was like WTF. I text him saying that he needs to rectify his fucking attitude because he comes off as a REAL ASSHOLE. I told him that I was not the only one complaining and saying something about it. What an ungrateful bitch. I mean seriously, I talked to Victor about it the next day and he was like WTF. I mean really, what the hell is so fucking AWEFUL about LL’s life. Oh no, I’m a kid genius who graduated at like 19 from college. Now I work for my friends at a job that my friend hooked me up with and we have a thing called BEER FRIDAY. FUCK YOU. Yes, life is so hard, paying that $200 rent, living at a nice house with my friend. Really, are you secretly hiding the fact that you have a demon child, twin sibling that is demonically possesed or attached to your ass (literally), the mob is after you and you have to pay them all your salary and give your first born, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? You have SOOOOO many good qualities and a good heart down, deep inside, it’s just that your ASSHOLE self gets in the way. Grow the fuck up and grow some balls and quit whining like a 6 yr old bitch.

Other than all that, Christmas day was surprisingly awesome with my family. As crazy and disfunctional we are, it was actually enjoyable.

New Beginnings

aeternusanya — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:05:21 +0000

Geez, that freaking title sounds like a fucking self help book or some seminar on either: weight loss, divorce, parenting, or some other mental help thingy. Anyways, this week has been rough emotionally. I don’t know what happened this week but I was pretty down and wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I look around me and yeah, I am happy that I have my own place, paying my own way for everything for the first time, but over all, I would have done all this and then some, I just want to share it with someone. Does this go back to my issue with being an only child?

Most people I come across think it is SO FUCKING DANDY that I am an only child. They usually mention the following: (If you are wondering, yes, it is in order coz I hear this shit this much)

1. You had everything all to yourself

2. You didn’t have anyone to bother you

3. You were probably spoiled and got everything you wanted

4. Insert more stupid, stereotype comments that should get someone kicked in the face

I mean seriously, don’t you think it would have been fun to have someone around. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING MOVIE. At least I understand that having siblings has its shortcomings, I don’t go around with a grandiose idea of it, like anything else, there are its bad parts. But over all, you had someone there. Being an only child SUCKS BALLS, big, smelly, HAIRY BALLS! Now it is even more especially torturous when your parents are insane or pretty much you grew up with a bad childhood. No one else will ever understand what you went through since there is NO ONE THERE.

Dating and the only child. Now sometimes, not everyone, but other people I have come across, mention the same thing. They look for people, friends and lovers, with families, siblings in particular. It is the yearning for the “greener side” where it must be awesome to have siblings. For me in particular since my childhood was so not desirable, especially since I grew up with Boogeyman, I pretty much gravitate towards anyone with a family period. The family dynamic has always fascinated me since I did not really have one. I was raised by nannies (so many that I do not even know) for the beginning part of my years, the so called formative years. Over all, what I am trying to say is that, all of the dreams that people have, mine is simple and boring, I want my own family.

So now we are back to the original issue, being alone. I have been alone all my life, with the exception of a boyfriend here and there, but none I ever really took seriously, except for two of course, I have always wanted a family. After I hit my late twenties, I realized that other than world domination, I just want a family. I want my own family. I want to lead a simple, almost boring life with routines, PTA meetings, going to the farmer’s market, but just happy life. I am not asking for the riches of the world, a huge house, fancy things, I can have all that and then some if I really wanted. These are material things for me, money has no value to me. I have seen what it does and for me, it only brings me the things that make me happy like being able to treat my friends. I want a real family, my own. I want to do the old fashioned susie home maker thing, but I still want to work though, but over all, I want to cook, clean and do all that. Hell, I’ll even knit a fucking sweater if I can ever figure out how to do it. Apparently, this is something that is far from my reach.

The thing that bothers me the most is that fact that I see people who take this for granted. I walk around parks, the city, or anywhere and I witness people who take this for granted. Assholes who despite their assholeness, still manage to get married and spawn hellions. How the fuck can some dick manage to find someone to marry him/her, despite themselves and ways, yet me, who I believe leads a good life (minus the fact that yes, I swear a lot and a few minor other details, hahaha) cannot manage to get something as simple as a family. There are teenagers who pop babies right and left and slut around, yet I am not that fortunate. Can someone please tell me that in a former life I lost a bet with GOD or what. Trust me when I say that life is not fair, I see SOOOOO many people who DO NOT AT ALL deserve a family, wife/husband, kids and yet, they have it and treat it like shit.

I swear, sometimes I really do believe that GOD has a sense of humor, because my life is just a joke sometimes, full of irony, oxymorons, MORONS, and then some. Who would have ever thought that a simple, boring life was so hard to obtain.

paradiso perduto

aeternusanya — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:00:15 +0000

I don’t know what happened Sunday but I have been really disconnected to everything since then. I took a nap Sunday afternoon, had a stupid dream about Moobs (for the sake of me avoiding typing, saying or seeing his name, this is what I will call him) and it just fucked up everything. I dreamed for some reason that I lived across the street from him. I saw everything in his house. I saw LL walking around and all the new furniture he bought. For some reason I was all of a sudden walking around with Moobs, then feeling like all of me was gone in the house. Then I woke up to my phone ringing, it was Mr Talky-talk (for the sake of this thing, I do not know what to call him yet).

To digress for a moment, pretty much everyone here has an alias and some people I am just going to refer to them by some characteristic they possess. I’m sure you can figure out why I call Mr Talky-talk this nickname.

Anyways, since then, my mood has been really somber. Today at work I just felt really disconnected to everything, to everyone. It’s like I was still in one of my usual dreams where I am just an observer, not participating in what I am witnessing. I talked to Alice about it and she said it is because I do have the ability to see that I disconnect easily with people. I am only connected to this world because of her, my friends and some family (the ones I actually care about), of course my dog little hime (princess in Japanese). Other than that, if they all did not exist, I would have flown outta here a while ago already. Pretty much I have spent my life with one foot out the door. I have always wanted to be elsewhere due to my situation, whether it was the bad childhood, parents or lack there of, or the extreme loss I have experienced in life. I have never been grounded as much as I am now and it was coz of Moobs.

Now that Moobs is gone, I am really trying my hardest to stay in touch with this world. Little hime keeps me here since she needs me, but if it weren’t for her, I would have already took off and let the winds take me to where ever.

I have been mostly fine for quite some time now but since yesterday, I do not know what has happened. I feel the loss of Moob more now than I have before. I do not know why he is in my mind more now than before. It is not a holiday thing since I am not fond of the holidays in the first place. It is the realization that I wanted to marry someone who does not know WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANT IN LIFE! All this time for almost 4 fucking years, he never took the time to really know me. He instead spent that time thinking about what he wants in his “perfect wife” and telling me what I need to work on. Ok, more like the past year or so. Not once have I ever told him he needed to change coz I took him for who he was. I thought we were making progress but I guess I was wrong; wrong about the relationship, wrong about him. Will I compare others to him, of course, but I still cannot believe that I put myself out there and took a risk on someone who asked to and this is what I got. After all the changes and risks coz you asked, you responded with this. Well here is my response:

FUCK YOU! Now I stare from outsides the gates of the “heaven” or perception of it I had, all because you can’t figure out your shit. I don’t regret it, don’t get me wrong, but man, I’m not the happiest camper about it. I cannot even describe what I am right now. But, I have to allow myself to feel this pain, I cannot disconnect. I realize now that if I disconnect, the “other side” will win. This is what the other side wants, for me to disconnect. It will be easier for me to be swayed if I am not connected to people. I cannot afford to be swayed if it means that I will never see mom again.

Stay focused, stay connected. I don’t want to lose my soul…

The case of the ex

aeternusanya — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 03:35:55 +0000

Is it wrong to still think that your ex is hot? Is it wrong to want to hang out with your ex? OR, is it wrong for your ex that is married to tell you that he would still “wreck” the hell outta you if he ever had the chance and was not married… I have a “friendship” with one of my ex’s that is unique so to speak. We went out like a decade ago, got passed the shit of why we broke up (we were exactly alike, difference being he has a penis and I have none) and still after so many years, can talk to one another. We still care about each other and how the other is doing. Of course, with the invention of FACEBOOK, we talk even more now than just the occasional happy birthday, happy holiday or whatever email. He is the only ex that I still talk to and if he were not married, I would seriously pounce on that like a cougar who has not eaten in years. We had so much fun, so much mischievous fun, but fun none the less. Everytime I hear from him, email, text message or even a one word FACEBOOK commet, I find myself smiling and getting excited like some 12 yr old boy who might see some boob in a movie. Maybe we get along so well since we feel like we are talking to ourselves since we are so alike. He is the person who taught me how to be silly and it is ok, how to be absolutely wraunchy and I am not a slut for being it, he taught me to live life. So here is to you, Bunny, and wishing you the best… if you are ever single again, although I wish you the best marriage ever, call me, ahhhahaah.

Pandora HATES ME!

aeternusanya — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:15:12 +0000

Internet Radio

I listen to Pandora everyday and have been for years. I found it prior to it becoming an iPhone app. It is a lot fancier now than what it used to be. I am listening to the first original station I created on there and for the past grueling 3 hours, it has played the most depressing break up songs and all the mushy songs that I actually like ( I will never admit to that in person, I’d rather fucking rip some finger nails). Like seriously, did someone send Pandora a memo about my life right now and they thought it would be HILLARIOUS if they played all sorts of depressing songs, intermingled with love songs as a social experiment to see if I would slash my wrists. So as to not completely torture me, they have played some Tribe Called Quest, Floetry and D’Angelo (is he still fat, he was so awesome) which was cool, but how much Brian “whiny’ McKnight do you need to play, IN A ROW. I love you Pandora but fuck you for the past 3 hours, yet I still listen like a mind fucked, experimental monkey. ( I highly recommend Pandora to everyone, there are other internet stations out there like Slacker Radio but it is not as user friendly and easy to customize)

Too old to lie

aeternusanya — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:18:09 +0000

I just found out from one of my best friend’s, actually the only chick best friend I have, Chloe, that the family friends Christmas party is this Sunday. It is a bunch of families that have known one another for quite some time that typically get together for holidays, birthdays or whatever, most of the kids are friends with one another, just in separate groups. For example, I guess the kids that are considered the “bad influence” hang out together; if you are wondering who that group is, that would be my group. Yet, we are the happiest and most fun bunch so the rest of them can just suck it! Anyways, Chloe reminded me that I would definitely see Maggie there who’s wedding I did not attend and I actually returned their wedding gift. I did not go coz of all the drama between her dad and her dead beat, “I get fired from all my jobs” husband (fiancee then). I don’t even like him, I never have, especially since I do not know him that well and he has the audacity to talk shit to my face and make lascivious comments. So what if I see them both, I’m too old to lie about the fact that I DO NOT LIKE YOU. Seriously, we are now at an age where we really should not have to pretend, especially if we only see one another MAYBE once a year. Let’s face it, there is no way in hell am I ever inviting you to any events of mine and vice versa. There is no way in hell our future kids are gonna have play dates, if they did, I would tell my kids to beat the hell outta yours for shits and giggles. I hope your future kids aren’t scrawny and easy to pick on, ehahahahh.

Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on ME!

aeternusanya — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 09:45:01 +0000

Me’Shell Ndegeocello – Fool of Me

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
‘Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don’t care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we’re face to face you won’t look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Don’t say don’t touch you I can’t touch you no more
Can’t touch you any more any more
I don’t touch you anymore

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don’t care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

Windows Power Toys

aeternusanya — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:37:47 +0000

So I had to have my work comp rebuilt since the previous one got a virus. How it got a virus, I do not know, especially since my work place censors and prohibits practically EVERY site imaginable. Then again, since there are a few people who use my comp even though they are not supposed to, what can you do right. So now I’m having to go through the bullshit of reinstalling everything I had on my previous comp. Every fucking time I have had to do this, why is it the stupid Power Toys program never works the way I want it to. The only reason why I use this is coz’ I run so many programs at the same time coz’ of the work I do and it is the only way I can work on things one at a time by separating them. Of course, with comp rebuild, I realized again how useless my I.T. dept is. I’m not trying to be a bitch but when there are only 4 people in the whole dept that knows what to do, it is pretty much a useless fucking dept. They have one staff person that can’t even take phone messages correctly, like WTF, a voice mail service is more useful than you? If the I.T. dept was a lame horse, it should have been put out of its misery long ago, shot in the head.